Have you ever said to yourself, “I just really love the taste of my favorite drink,” and then wondered how on earth you’re supposed to stop wanting something that you enjoy so much? If so, you’re not alone. This is episode 432 and I’ll show you why trying to talk yourself out of liking alcohol might actually be keeping you stuck and what to do instead.

Whether you want to drink less or stop drinking, this podcast will help you change the habit from the inside out. We’re challenging conventional wisdom about why people drink and why it can be hard to resist temptation. No labels, no judgment, just practical tools to take control of your desire and stop worrying about your drinking. Now, here’s your host, Rachel Hart.

Today, we are tackling a question that I get all of the time. People will say, “Rachel, I know that my drinking is causing problems. I know that it’s not great for my health or my sleep or my goals, but I still really love the taste. How do you get around that?”

Now, if you’ve wondered the same thing, and my guess is you probably have, I want you to know that you are in good company. I also want to explain why so many people get stuck here. And I will start out by saying that the traditional approach that we have been taught around behavior change is to focus on the downsides of a behavior. 

So when it comes to your drinking, that means focusing on all of the negative consequences from drinking too much, how it’s harming your body, maybe the extra calories and the weight gain or the effects that it has on your relationships or the decisions that you come to later regret. In other words, we’re told to focus on why you don’t want to do it.

And really try to convince ourselves that the desire we have just doesn’t make sense. And I will tell you, I get why most approaches start from this place because when you crave something or you’re doing something that you can see, “Hey, this isn’t really serving me. This has a lot of downsides,” whether that’s another drink or another cupcake or attention or stuff that you can’t afford. When you’re in that situation, your brain kind of scrambles to make sense of why on earth would I do this. That’s definitely a question that I had so often. My drinking just didn’t really make sense to me.

And then when you’re scrambling to make sense of something that doesn’t make sense, you can end up in this place of, “Well, if this thing that I want is causing problems in my life, I should know better. I shouldn’t want it. And if I do want it, despite knowing all of the downsides, then it must mean something is wrong with me.”

I lived in this space for years. Every time that I would wake up hung over, I would just start beating myself up. I would go straight to “what’s wrong with me” because that was the only explanation that I could come up with. I truly believed that how I was acting was irrational, was illogical.

So when people come to me and say, “I want to change. I don’t like how much I’m drinking. I want to cut back. I know it’s not good to me. I can clearly see the problems, but I still really look forward to it. I still really love the taste.” What they’re often saying beneath the surface is, “How do I stop loving something that I know isn’t helping?”

And my answer is always the same. I want you to stop trying to get around the fact that you like it. Use that as your starting point. Because when you try to get around it, what you’re telling yourself is, “I shouldn’t like this. I shouldn’t want this. I shouldn’t look forward to this.” And all of those shouldn’ts create shame. You feel bad about your desire, bad about your craving, bad about what you still want.

Now here’s the thing, so much of traditional approaches to behavior change, in particular, any behavior that feels addictive, compulsive, or impulsive, so much of the approach is usually rooted in shame. It’s the idea of if you feel bad enough, you’ll finally change. But if you’re anything like me, you might spend years feeling really bad about your drinking and your relationship with alcohol and still stay stuck.

Because shame doesn’t lead to transformation. It leads to hiding and isolating and believing that no one can understand, no one can relate, that you are alone with this problem. And that only makes it more likely that you will turn to drinking again. Because that’s what you’ve learned it helps you cope with, even if it’s temporary. I remember thinking so often to myself, “Well, Rachel, if you’re this messed up, I might as well drink.”

I was ashamed that I couldn’t control myself, that I couldn’t learn my lesson, that I kept repeating the same stupid mistake, and then I drank to cope with that shame. I was stuck in this vicious cycle. And so what I want to offer to all of you is this: When you say that you love the taste of your favorite drink or you love the way it makes you feel, don’t fight that. Don’t shame yourself, don’t try to talk yourself out of it because that only puts you at war with yourself.

You like the taste and now you feel bad for liking it, or you like the way it makes you feel and now you feel bad for liking the way it makes you feel. What I want you to do is flip that. So in The Ultimate Guide to Drinking Less, I share a tool called “Ask and Listen.” This is one of three foundational tools that apply to every situation, no matter your specific drink archetype.

And “Ask and Listen” is about treating your cravings like they have intelligence for you. They’re not dumb, they’re not shameful, they’re trying to communicate something very important to you. They’re trying to give you a message. So instead of judging your desire, you get curious about it. So you might ask, “Okay, I love the taste, and what else do I love about it?” or “I love how a drink makes me feel, and what else is this drink doing for me?” It’s a really simple shift, but it changes everything because most people are really practiced at scaring themselves or shaming themselves into change, despite all the evidence that they have that scaring and shaming doesn’t work.

What most people have very little practice with, however, is extending curiosity and compassion to the behaviors that they want to shift. So when you start asking why you love the taste, what it’s connected to, you begin to tap into and uncover those drink archetypes. You discover what alcohol represents to your brain because here’s the truth, it’s rarely just about taste.

Maybe you love the taste and you love the reward of being able to push through those evening chores that you’d really rather not do, but it’s a little bit easier with a glass of wine in your hand. Maybe you love that it helps you fall asleep. Maybe it calms you down or it helps you let your guard down. Maybe you like that it helps you feel more connected or it allows you to escape whatever is weighing you down. Maybe you enjoy that it enhances what’s good or numbs what’s bad. Maybe it’s about giving you permission to stop working or fuel to keep grinding.

This is what is so tricky and complicated about alcohol. It is full of contradictions. It can represent so many different things even within the same person. And that’s what the drink archetypes really help you dive into and explore. But you’ll never uncover the deeper meaning if you’re stuck in shame about liking something that you’re not supposed to.

Now, if you don’t know your archetype yet, you can take the free quiz at FindYourDrinkType.com and it will help you understand why you drink and how to say no more easily depending on which pattern is driving your desire. But what I want you to walk away with today is this: saying no to a drink isn’t hard because you like the taste or you like the way it makes you feel. It’s hard because of what your brain has learned from drinking. What your brain thinks alcohol provides that nothing else can. And that’s the piece of the habit worth working on. You’re going to waste a lot of time and a lot of energy trying to get around or talk yourself out of liking it.

Because here’s the thing, once you stop all of that, once you stop believing that you need to talk yourself out of liking it, once you stop wasting energy on shame, you free yourself up to actually change. You stop being at war with yourself. You start building trust and you start discovering the real, deeper reasons behind your desire that lead you to go back for another and another. And you also find the real solution that helps you feel better without needing to pour another glass.

All right, that’s it for today. I will see you all next week.

Hey guys, you already know that drinking less has plenty of health benefits. But did you know that the work you do to change your relationship with alcohol will help you become more of the person you want to be in every part of your life? 

Learning how to manage your brain and your cravings is an investment in your physical, emotional and personal wellbeing. And that’s exactly what’s waiting for you when you join my membership Take a Break. 

Whether you want to drink less, drink rarely, or not at all, we’ll help you figure out a relationship with alcohol that works for you. We’ll show you why rules, drink plans, and Dry January so often fail, and give you the tools you need to feel in control and trust yourself. 

So, head on over to RachelHart.com and sign up today, because changing the habit is so much easier when you stop trying to go it alone.