Why is it that everything in your life is good, except for your drinking? This is such a confusing place to be because it doesn’t fit our usual narratives about why people struggle with alcohol. This is episode 470, and today I’m going to talk about why exactly this happens and also why the answer isn’t about digging for some hidden trauma or secret unhappiness but instead, understanding how we relate to a very universal human experience.

Whether you want to drink less or stop drinking, this podcast will help you change the habit from the inside out. We’re challenging conventional wisdom about why people drink and why it can be hard to resist temptation. No labels, no judgment, just practical tools to take control of your desire and stop worrying about your drinking. Now, here’s your host, Rachel Hart.

One of the most confusing experiences that people can have with their drinking is taking a look at their life and thinking, nothing’s wrong. My life is actually really good. I have a lot to be thankful for. So why am I stuck in this cycle of drinking too much? I will tell you, I work with people who find themselves in this situation all the time. Now, sometimes, it’s really apparent that some of your behaviors around drinking are connected to something happening in your life that’s not great. Maybe you feel anxious or stressed out, maybe you’re going through a really difficult time or a messy transition. And it makes sense that you’re like, “Oh, yes, drink, please. I don’t want to feel this way. I just want to stop thinking. I don’t want to be in my head anymore. I just want to feel good.”

But many people have a totally different experience. You might feel really happy, like your life is really good, like you don’t actually have any real problems at all or that you’re really lucky or grateful for what you have. And then you’re stuck, wondering, well, why if everything is so good, why can’t I figure out my drinking? Why does my day feel incomplete without a drink? Or why is it hard to stop at one or two?

And I think so many people get stuck here and feel really confused because we have been taught to associate struggling with alcohol with people having bigger problems, things like depression or trauma or job loss or going through financial insecurity. The idea that how much you drink is connected to how unhappy you are. But I think that explanation misses something really important because a lot of the people I work with are not unhappy. They just don’t like feeling dissatisfied. They don’t like restricting themselves. They don’t like that feeling of, I want more, and I don’t want to stop myself from having what I want.

And that’s what I want to dig into today. How you relate to feeling dissatisfied. Because not being satisfied is a normal part of the human experience, no matter what is happening in your life. You don’t need a bunch of problems to be dissatisfied. In fact, so often, the most intense dissatisfaction comes when people have so much of what they want.

Now, I will say this, and it really did blow my mind when I finally understood this: human beings are not meant to arrive at a state of permanent satisfaction. And I know that sounds strange because a lot of us, myself included, adopted this idea that if my life is objectively good, then I should also feel good. I shouldn’t be unhappy, I shouldn’t be restless, I should just enjoy what I have. And I should feel really satisfied with my life. I shouldn’t be wanting or craving more. But dissatisfaction is not actually evidence that something has gone wrong. I like to just chalk it up to part of being human.

Think about it. If humans were completely satisfied all of the time, why would we do anything at all? There would be nothing pushing us to grow, to explore, to create, to change. We wouldn’t seek out new experiences. We would just stay put because we would be happy where we were. Dissatisfaction is part and parcel with having a human brain that has desire.

Now, what I have come to see is that the real issue is when we tell ourselves that we have so much, we shouldn’t feel dissatisfied when our life is so good. And that’s not to say that there isn’t value to gratitude practices or focusing on what you have rather than what you don’t have. I just think that we often undertake these exercises trying to rid ourselves of feeling dissatisfied entirely. And that causes problems. Because sometimes your brain is going to want more. Maybe that’s more experiences or more novelty or more stuff or another drink.

The issue is that no one teaches us how to deal with wanting more. So we expect that it shouldn’t be there or that we should just be able to get rid of it. Especially when your brain says, “Well, this feeling isn’t really justified. You don’t really have a good enough reason to want more. You should just be happy and satisfied right now because look at how good your life is.”

I think about it this way. I love my kids, and still, I crave time away from them sometimes. You can love your work and be thankful for what it provides and still feel unhappy sometimes. You can love your life and still want more relief from the pressure and the responsibility. But it’s a lot harder to manage these feelings when you’re constantly telling yourself that you’re wrong to feel the way you do, that you should be satisfied.

And what I see happen is that we try to solve this tension by having a drink. It feels like, hey, that’s the answer. And sometimes it’s just like, everything is good, so why not make it better? Dissatisfaction becomes the thread that I see running through everything, not necessarily consciously, but in this way of us trying to avoid feeling dissatisfied.

And I so often hear people’s responses to why they keep going back for more, why they want another drink. And they say, “I don’t want to say no to myself. I don’t want to feel restricted. I don’t want to feel deprived. I just want what I want when I want it”. And my question to them is always, why? Why don’t you want to say no to yourself? Why don’t you want to feel restricted? Why don’t you want to feel deprived? And not because I’m trying to uncover that they’re actually avoiding some big problem. I want to just help them find their story and their relationship to having a desire for something and not having that desire met.

So often, we operate from the place that that is bad. That of course, ugh, we don’t want to feel dissatisfied or unsatisfied. Instead of using that moment to get curious. Because when you’re curious, maybe you start to see that part of you doesn’t want to say no to yourself because you do that in a lot of other places. Or you don’t want to restrict yourself with alcohol because you’re so disciplined with your workout and what you eat and staying healthy.

And over time, your brain starts to learn, hey, when it comes to drinking, I don’t have to say no to myself here. I don’t have to feel restricted if I can always have another drink. I don’t have to feel deprived if I can go back for more. But that’s the trap because no matter how happy we are, we cannot escape feeling dissatisfied sometimes.

You can have a lot of problems and feel really dissatisfied sometimes, and you can have an amazing life and feel dissatisfied too. This is just part of the human experience that we need to learn how to navigate and relate to without rushing to try to change or fix it. And in fact, when we’re always rushing to fix it by having another drink, we leave ourselves feeling dissatisfied in another way.

That’s why I created the drink archetypes, because they really kind of help you see the flavor of dissatisfaction that tends to show up for you. Maybe feeling like your enjoyment could be better. This is good, but it’s not enough. Or wanting connection to feel more effortless, or believing that relaxation should be easier, or wanting fun and letting loose to be more accessible, wanting you to feel more alive, less constrained. The archetypes aren’t about categorizing different types of people or different types of drinkers. They’re just really helping you see the immediate emotional promise that your brain thinks the drink offers, whether that’s drink number one or drink number four.

And once the brain starts believing that the drink is an answer to that particular internal experience of not being satisfied, it makes sense why more becomes so compelling. Because a second or third or fourth drink often isn’t just about wanting more, it’s about not wanting to have a desire that goes unanswered. And I think this is such an important shift because so many people approach overdrinking from this place of, how do I stop myself? How do I become more disciplined? How do I just say no? But often, the more important question is, how am I trying to avoid feeling dissatisfied? Maybe because you think it shouldn’t be there, maybe because you think it’s a sign that something has gone wrong. Really just ask yourself that question.

Because when you can start understanding your relationship to dissatisfaction, you start to understand not only why that first drink is tempting, but why you keep going back for more. And you stop reducing your entire relationship with alcohol to, “Oh, God, there must be something wrong with me.” And instead, see it as an attempt to avoid having an unmet desire. Because maybe nothing is wrong with you. Maybe you’re just a human who feels dissatisfied sometimes and has been looking for a way out of that feeling because nobody ever explained that no matter how happy you are, no matter how good your life is, it’s something that you can’t escape. You will have unmet desires sometimes, and that’s okay.

And understanding that is very different from saying, “I shouldn’t want another drink. I should know better. I should learn my lesson.” It’s saying instead, “Yeah, of course I want more because I don’t want to feel dissatisfied or restless or deprived. That’s okay, but I wonder why that is.” And that’s where the real understanding starts. All right, that’s it for today. I will see you all next week.

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Hey guys, you already know that drinking less has plenty of health benefits. But did you know that the work you do to change your relationship with alcohol will help you become more of the person you want to be in every part of your life?

Learning how to manage your brain and your cravings is an investment in your physical, emotional and personal wellbeing. And that’s exactly what’s waiting for you when you join my membership Take a Break.

Whether you want to drink less, drink rarely, or not at all, we’ll help you figure out a relationship with alcohol that works for you. We’ll show you why rules, drink plans, and Dry January so often fail, and give you the tools you need to feel in control and trust yourself.

So, head on over to RachelHart.com and sign up today, because changing the habit is so much easier when you stop trying to go it alone.