Have you ever poured a drink at the end of the day and thought, “Finally, something for me?” That’s the Reward archetype in action. But here’s the thing: sometimes, what you’re really trying to reward is the invisible labor you do that nobody else sees. Managing the house, juggling schedules, keeping everything afloat. And when that work goes unrecognized, a drink can turn into proof of your labor. 

This is episode 437, and I’m exploring the link between invisible labor and the Reward archetype, why it fuels cravings, and how acknowledging it can help you drink less.

Whether you want to drink less or stop drinking, this podcast will help you change the habit from the inside out. We’re challenging conventional wisdom about why people drink and why it can be hard to resist temptation. No labels, no judgment, just practical tools to take control of your desire and stop worrying about your drinking. Now, here’s your host, Rachel Hart.

I want to talk to you today about a nuance in the Reward archetype that I have noticed coming up more and more in my coaching. So the Reward archetype is all about using a drink as a treat for working hard or a signal that the day is finally done and you can relax. By the way, if you’re not familiar with the archetypes, you can go to FindYourDrinkType.com, take the quiz, and learn about the eight different drink archetypes as well as your primary and secondary archetypes.

When it comes to the Reward archetype, pouring a drink can start to feel like me time. You spend all day putting work, family, and everybody else first, and finally, you have something for yourself. Even when you try to disconnect, maybe it’s hard to stop working on your to-do list when you know that more could get done. For many people, the Reward archetype shows up at that exact moment. You tell yourself, “I’ve earned this. I deserve this.” A drink becomes kind of the applause at the end of the day, a pat on the back that no one else is giving you.

I’ve talked before about how this archetype often appears when people finish one job and then come home to everything else that needs their attention. For working parents, this can be especially clear. So maybe you spend all day at work, and then you come home and you start your second shift. So you got all the cooking and the homework, the bedtime routines, and managing schedules to take care of. Sometimes drinking is used to push through those evening tasks. Other times it’s used to draw a line in the sand to say, I’m done, no more tonight. Either way, with the Reward archetype, alcohol can serve as both the fuel to keep pushing and also a boundary to stop working.

But here’s the nuance that I haven’t covered: how the Reward archetype connects to the concept of invisible labor. So, this is not a term that I created. Invisible labor is all the work that’s essential for a household, a family, or a community to function, but work that often goes unseen, unacknowledged, and uncompensated. So you don’t get a paycheck for it. It doesn’t show up on a W2. And that can have huge implications, not only for how society treats this kind of work, but also for how the people doing it think about themselves and relate to the time and effort that they put into this work.

And here’s what can make invisible labor so insidious. If you internalize the idea that the work you do doesn’t count because it isn’t paid or it isn’t a “real job,” you may start to also tell yourself, “You know, I really shouldn’t be this tired. This shouldn’t feel this hard. I don’t have a right to be this stressed.” Not because you aren’t tired and stressed, but because you’ve been taught that if something isn’t, “real work,” you don’t get to feel the strain of it.

Now here’s the thing. This is where I see perfectionism often coming into play. So if you don’t work, if you don’t have a real job, then what excuse do you have for things not being perfect?

Invisible labor can turn into impossible standards because when your work is invisible, the only evidence of your time and energy becomes how flawless everything looks from the outside, how easy it is for you to execute things that, by the way, we are told shouldn’t be hard. 

And that’s where drinking comes in. If the work you do isn’t recognized, not just by society, but by yourself, if you’ve bought into the idea that it somehow doesn’t count or doesn’t count as much as paid labor, then pouring a drink at the end of the day can become the one tangible reward for yourself, the one way of saying, I did something. I worked hard. I accomplished a lot and I deserve something for me.

But of course, the problem is, the drink doesn’t fix the underlying issue. It doesn’t change the fact that your labor is undervalued by society, maybe by your spouse, maybe by your peers, and certainly by you. It just numbs the exhaustion and the negative emotions that you feel in that moment, which means the cycle just starts again the next day.

So how do you start to drink less if the Reward archetype or this concept of invisible labor resonates with you? You have to start by noticing what you’re really trying to reward. Instead of outsourcing that recognition to a drink, can you give yourself credit directly? So here’s a simple practice. At the end of the day, you can write down three potentially invisible things that you did that kept everything afloat. It could be finally scheduling that dentist appointment or helping your child when they were having a meltdown or even just remembering to defrost dinner.

These aren’t small things. They’re what keep life moving. Seeing them in black and white, writing them out starts to help build internal recognition for all that you do. And the more that you start to recognize yourself, the less you will tell yourself that you don’t have a right to be tired or stressed or overwhelmed. The more that you will start to recognize that you may be creating impossible standards for yourself, and hopefully, the less you will need alcohol as a stand-in for your reward.

Because here’s the truth. If you happen to perform unpaid work, whether it’s for your family or your community, or even yourself, it’s not just valuable, it’s indispensable. The stress, the overwhelm, the fatigue that you may sometimes feel is real. And when you acknowledge it, you start to see how the Reward archetype and the patterns that you have developed around drinking may have been trying to fill a hole. You start seeing your drinking for what it really is in this particular scenario, not just that you love this particular drink, but a stand-in for recognizing all that you do.

The real reward you deserve is recognition, rest, and respect. From society, for sure, we should all give much more credence and much more import to invisible labor. But most importantly, you deserve recognition, rest, and respect from yourself. So the shift begins here. Remind yourself the work that I do always counts and is always valuable.

All right, that’s it for today. I will see you next week.

Hey guys, you already know that drinking less has plenty of health benefits. But did you know that the work you do to change your relationship with alcohol will help you become more of the person you want to be in every part of your life? 

Learning how to manage your brain and your cravings is an investment in your physical, emotional and personal wellbeing. And that’s exactly what’s waiting for you when you join my membership Take a Break. 

Whether you want to drink less, drink rarely, or not at all, we’ll help you figure out a relationship with alcohol that works for you. We’ll show you why rules, drink plans, and Dry January so often fail, and give you the tools you need to feel in control and trust yourself. 

So, head on over to RachelHart.com and sign up today, because changing the habit is so much easier when you stop trying to go it alone.