This week, I’m answering a listener question about why it can be hard to say no, even when part of you isn’t getting that much enjoyment from your drinking. Maybe it doesn’t taste as good or feel as good as you imagined, or you find yourself pouring another drink thinking, “Why am I even doing this?” When this happens, it can be so confusing because your decision to drink almost feels illogical. I remember thinking to myself, “Why am I continuing to do something that I’m not really even enjoying?”

This is episode 488, and I’m going to explain why this situation is way more common than most people realize, a common trap that can keep you stuck, and a different way to approach these moments that can help you understand what’s going on without immediately assuming that your behavior doesn’t make sense.

Whether you want to drink less or stop drinking, this podcast will help you change the habit from the inside out. We’re challenging conventional wisdom about why people drink and why it can be hard to resist temptation. No labels, no judgment, just practical tools to take control of your desire and stop worrying about your drinking. Now, here’s your host, Rachel Hart.

Today we have a question from Enrique who wrote this about his drinking. “I don’t really enjoy drinking that much, and I feel like it’s a go-to for something else. What is that?” I wanted to answer his question because I think it’s a much more common frustration than most people realize. I vividly remember being in this place too, where the story I had about how much I love to drink and how good it tasted and how good it felt, didn’t always match my actual experience.

And I will tell you, this kind of freaked me out because there was a part of me that was like, okay, if you’re not really even enjoying what you’re doing, yet you keep doing it, God, does that mean something’s really wrong with you? Because that kind of behavior doesn’t make sense. You should really be able to just not drink because part of you can see that you’re not enjoying it, Rachel. My behavior at times felt really illogical, and that actually scared me a lot.

And this can show up a lot of different ways. Maybe that favorite drink that you love so much doesn’t taste as good to you anymore, either from the get-go or when you have a second or third drink. Maybe the story you have about how great that buzz is going to feel doesn’t actually line up with your experience. Or maybe you watch yourself going for another drink and questioning, why am I even doing this? And yet you still find yourself stuck in this cycle. You still find yourself saying yes. And that is when it’s really easy to get freaked out.

Why do I keep wanting something that I don’t even enjoy that much? And if I don’t enjoy it that much, shouldn’t it be easier to say no? It can start to feel like you’re drinking against your own will. And I think part of what makes this so confusing for people is that we’re taught that understanding the downsides of a behavior is what we need to do if we want to change it. And listen, I think that can be true to a degree, but in general, when it comes to behavior change, I think we lean too heavily on the downsides. We focus too much on the negatives and the consequences of our actions and in a way that actually doesn’t serve us.

This was 100% true for me. I would focus on all the negative consequences of my drinking. I would remind myself how bad I felt afterwards. I would make lists about all the reasons why alcohol wasn’t good for me and how my drinking wasn’t serving me and the things that I regretted doing and saying and my behavior. I remember in the moment, even trying to talk myself out of my desire, saying things like, you don’t want this. Why are you doing this? Just don’t have it. But this approach never really seemed to work for me. Again, I’m not saying that paying attention to the negative consequences is never useful. I just think we tend to spend way too much of our energy there.

Most people that I work with have already spent a lot of time trying that approach. And if you’re like Enrique, simply telling yourself that you’re not enjoying it that much, it isn’t solving the puzzle. There is a different direction that I think is often way more revealing, although it’s also kind of counterintuitive, at least it was for me. Rather than asking, why am I reaching for a drink? Or why am I having another round when I don’t even really enjoy it? Rather than focusing on the negatives, you can actually focus on the positives of drinking. And trust me, I was really resistant to this at first. It was really hard for me to wrap my brain around this idea. I was really desperate to change. I wanted to figure out my drinking. I didn’t want to worry about it for the rest of my life, which was truly my big fear. I was so deeply convinced that I just needed to learn my lesson. I just needed to remember in the moment all the downsides, and that was going to be the thing that finally made me change.

So turning this moment around and looking for the upside, looking at the benefit, looking at the positives felt not only counterintuitive, it felt a little scary to do, especially since part of me wanted to stay firmly in the place where Enrique is, which is, no, I don’t really enjoy it. But here’s what I want you to do. I want you to imagine that you’re in a moment where you would normally have a drink. Whatever that can look like for you. And you might have several examples of this. Maybe it’s you going to a restaurant, maybe it’s when your work day is over, maybe it’s when the kids are finally in bed. Maybe when you’re making dinner, whatever that moment is for you, imagine what it would be like in that moment to say no to your desire. Now, don’t jump ahead to the future. Don’t jump ahead to the moment of how you would feel proud of yourself or how you would sleep better or how you would feel happier the next day. Stay in that moment. The moment where that urge or the craving appears, where it bubbles up, where it feels like autopilot just takes over, the moment where you have all these good reasons or justifications for why saying yes makes sense.

Imagine how you would feel in that moment saying no. Why would it feel hard? Why wouldn’t you want to say no? Imagine that moment and get really curious about it. What would I have to experience in that moment if I said no to my desire? What would I have to feel? What would I have to sit with? What would I have to acknowledge?

Now, the answer is going to be unique to you and it’s also probably going to change depending on the situation. But maybe you’d have to feel really disappointed or a little bored or restless, or feel kind of empty. Maybe you’d have to sit with some resentment or stress or simply the feeling of being restricted.

There is something there that your brain wants to avoid, something that is getting relief in that moment by saying yes to the drink, even if you then have the drink and say, I’m not totally enjoying this experience. And that is the upside. That is the benefit.

I remember so much for me how this showed up in one particular situation. I used to live alone. I had a very demanding job, and I remember at one point, I wasn’t in a relationship. I was at a point in my life where it felt like all of my peers were ahead of me in terms of both their personal life and their professional life. I didn’t really feel like I was on the right track at work. I didn’t really feel like I had my personal life figured out. And I would come home to this empty apartment and it was like, okay, I can be with this emptiness and all of these thoughts that frankly, I don’t like hanging out with, or I can open up this bottle of wine. And part of me didn’t want to. Part of me thought, I don’t really even like it. I know that one glass is going to turn into polishing off the bottle. I hated all the consequences that came with it. But a part of me deeply did not want to be with the emptiness of the evening that stretched ahead of me and all of the thoughts, all of the places where my brain wanted to hang out. I just didn’t want that.

Now, maybe it’s not emptiness for you. Maybe not having the drink, it’s like everything feels too chaotic, too busy. Maybe it has nothing to do with that. Maybe it’s simply hating feeling restricted or disappointed or deprived. But what I want you to consider is that there is something, even in the moments when you’re telling yourself, I don’t really even want the drink, I’m not even really enjoying this. There is something where alcohol is serving a purpose for you. And your drinking, which can feel really confusing and illogical at times, does actually make a lot of sense when you look at it this way.

You simply need to investigate what has my brain learned that saying yes will do for me in this moment. Because that is the piece that is actually really easy to miss. We spend so much time looking at what happens after we drink. We spend so much time looking at the consequences that we don’t like, thinking about how we don’t sleep as well or it leads to eating too much or waking up feeling crappy or regretting what you said, or just not liking all the empty containers that you see in your recycle bin. We spend so much time there that we neglect to understand the upside in the moment. Even if part of you in that moment is not enjoying it that much. But if you want to understand why your brain keeps nudging you towards the drink, you need to understand what your brain believes the drink is going to do for you. And sometimes that answer isn’t that your brain expects something enjoyable or amazing. Sometimes it’s that your brain is simply wanting a little relief.

And the relief in and of itself is a form of a reward. And I think this is important because we tend to think about rewards as something that has to feel really good in order for our brain to keep wanting it. But imagine going from feeling really tense to a little less tense, or bored to a little less bored, or restless to a little less restless, or resentful to a little less resentful. That movement away from discomfort can be rewarding even if the experience you’re moving towards, you aren’t finding all that enjoyable. And that can help explain when your decisions around drinking otherwise feel completely illogical. Why am I reaching for this thing when I don’t even really enjoy it that much? Well, your brain may not be anticipating this is going to feel amazing, this is going to feel so good. I am going to like this and enjoy this so much. Your brain may be simply anticipating, oh, this will change how I feel right now. This is going to give me a little bit of relief. This is going to feel better than how I anticipate feeling if I don’t have the drink.

And when you start to look at it this way, I will tell you, your behaviors start to make so much more sense. So you don’t have to demonize alcohol, you don’t have to remind yourself about all the downsides of drinking, and you don’t have to assume that you’re obviously being illogical. You also don’t have to believe alcohol has this terrible hold over me and I’m choosing to drink even when I don’t really enjoy it and that means that I have a really big problem. You don’t have to keep circling questions like, what’s wrong with me? Why do I keep doing this? Why would I do something that I know isn’t serving me? You can simply get curious about the function the drink is serving.

Because here’s the counterintuitive piece. If your only strategy for change is focusing harder on everything you dislike about drinking, you may actually be missing some of the most useful information that will help you change it. You already know a lot what you don’t like about it, but what you may not fully understand right now is what your brain believes the drink is helping you move away from and how that in and of itself can be a form of relief or reward.

So Enrique was already on to this. He wrote, “I feel like the drink is a go-to for something.” That is what you need to start investigating for yourself. So again, think about the moments when you normally drink, the moments when you might be thinking, I’m not really even enjoying this that much. Then ask yourself, if I didn’t have the drink, what would I have to experience? And I will tell you, it’s really normal when you start asking questions like this for your brain to say, I don’t know. It’s okay for you to take a guess. You can just ask, okay, what does my brain believe the drink will change for me in this moment? Just start there. Start noticing what comes up for you, even if you’re unsure, even if you have to take a guess. That is exactly where I started. I needed those answers first to start to figure out a way forward that would actually help me change my drinking from the root cause.

And my answers back then led me to what would later become many of the drink archetypes because I noticed how my brain believed that the drink served different purposes and did different things for me in different situations. In other words, it gave me different kinds of relief. Don’t be afraid to explore the upsides, the in-the-moment benefit that you get. We can hold two things to be true at the same time: that your current relationship with alcohol isn’t serving you and that saying yes to a drink in the moment is very much serving an important purpose for you. Because once you start answering this question, how is saying yes serving me right now in this moment when my desire appears, you will have a much more useful place to begin your work.

And if you want to learn more about your drink archetypes, you can take the free quiz at FindYourDrinkType.com. And you’re always welcome to send in a question for consideration on the podcast. Just go to RachelHart.com/podq. That’s P O D Q. All right, that’s it for today. I will see you next week.

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