Have you ever found yourself really craving a drink? And then thinking, you know what, I’ll just have one. And in that moment, it really does feel like if you just let yourself scratch the itch, you’ll be able to move on. But then you find yourself going back for more and more. And eventually, you have way more than you intended.

This is episode 483 and I’m taking a counterintuitive look at why it can be hard to stop in these moments. We’re going to talk about the invisible bargain that you’re probably making with yourself and why you don’t need to swear off the things that feel hard to stop in order to regain control.

Whether you want to drink less or stop drinking, this podcast will help you change the habit from the inside out. We’re challenging conventional wisdom about why people drink and why it can be hard to resist temptation. No labels, no judgment, just practical tools to take control of your desire and stop worrying about your drinking. Now, here’s your host, Rachel Hart.

Okay, today we’re talking about the idea of scratching the itch with a drink. This is how a client recently described it to me. She how she described her decision to give in to a craving in the moment. And this idea can really show up in a lot of places. It can show up with alcohol when you tell yourself, you know, I’m just going to have one drink and then the craving will go away. It can show up with food when you tell yourself, I’ll just have a handful of chips and then I can just stop thinking about the chips. It shows up with social media. You tell yourself I’m just going to scroll for a couple minutes and then I promise I’m going to go back to work.

The premise is basically the same. Your brain wants something right now and you are tired of wrestling with it. You’re tired of wrestling with your desire. And so you decide, you know what, I’m just going to give my brain a little bit. I’m just going to scratch that itch. That will be enough and then I can move on. I can stop thinking about it.

Except so often, that’s not what actually happens. Often, scratching the itch only makes you want more. You have the drink and then you want another. You eat a few chips, you find yourself reaching back into the bag. You open up Instagram and suddenly you’ve been scrolling for an hour. Instead of scratching the itch and moving on, consuming the thing you want seems to only make you want more of it. And that’s what I want to dive into. Not from the place of telling yourself that the problem was that you gave in and you never should have done that. You should have just held out and been strong and said no.

I want to explore this from the place of two really common mistakes that I see people make all the time. The first mistake is assuming that when you want more of something, it’s because you haven’t scratched the itch enough. And so, in that moment, you’ve given yourself the drink and then you find yourself wanting more. It’s really easy to think, “oh, well, maybe one drink wasn’t enough. Maybe I need another. Maybe then I’ll feel satisfied, or that portion of chips just wasn’t enough. So, I’ll have more, then I’ll feel satisfied.”

It’s so easy to get swept up into this cycle of never feeling like it’s enough and then trying to consume your way out of it, trying to consume basically to the point where you finally stop wanting more. So, that’s mistake number one. But the other mistake is deciding after the fact, well, listen, if scratching an itch always leads to me having too much, then clearly, I can’t ever trust myself to have any of this thing at all.

Right? So if one drink makes me want another, I never should have had that first drink. If opening a bag of chips makes me want to keep eating, I should just stay away from chips altogether. If checking Instagram makes me just keep scrolling, then I need to delete it off my phone. In other words, you decide I can never scratch the itch at all. And so you end up feeling both out of control and like you can’t ever really trust yourself.

What I want you to consider is this. What if there is a third option that explains what is happening in these moments? It’s not that you haven’t had enough to satisfy yourself, and it’s not that you can’t ever trust yourself. What if the way that we’ve been taught to approach our desire is the real problem? Because so often, the unspoken goal with our desire is to make it disappear.

What if it’s perfectly normal to give ourselves the thing we want and then still want more of it? What if you could answer a desire, knowing full well that your brain may want more of it and that wasn’t a problem because you knew sometimes when you scratch the itch, you still feel itchy.

And so that really has you rethink this unspoken idea that the goal of desire is to make the desire go away, to make the itch disappear. Then the practice becomes something very different. You’re not consuming until you finally reach the point of your brain saying enough, when you finally get to the point where you don’t want any anymore. And you’re also not avoiding the things that you desire because you’re afraid of the desire for more.

You’re simply deciding to give yourself permission to have something that you want without requiring that you’ll only stop when you stop wanting more. So you have the drink knowing that you’re likely going to want more. Then what? Then the desire for more doesn’t mean that you didn’t have enough and it also doesn’t mean that you never should have had any in the first place.

Now, I know this is kind of hard to wrap your brain around at first. It certainly was for me, but I think it really matters because so often, we end up in this position where we’re giving the object of our desire, whatever it is, the alcohol, the chips, the scrolling, we’re giving it a job that it just reliably can’t do. We tell ourselves, I’m going to give myself what I want so that I’ll stop wanting it. That is the invisible bargain that we’re often making with ourselves in these moments.

And then we’re really surprised when the brain does not hold up its end of the bargain, when the desire for more appears. But think about what’s actually happening. The things we tend to want to scratch the itch with, they tend to be things that are rewarding for the brain. Alcohol is rewarding, food is rewarding, scrolling online is rewarding. Your brain often anticipates that reward before you even begin. And then consuming it doesn’t necessarily tell your brain, okay, hey, we’re done now.

It tells your brain, hey, there’s something rewarding here that we could have more of. It really helps me to think about there being a part of my brain that is just programmed to seek out rewards in the environment. And that part of my brain doesn’t just automatically shut up because I want it to or because I think it should or because I’ve given it a little and so now it shouldn’t have anything to complain about. Instead, it’s really reframing that moment of like, yep, this is the thing that I wanted and that felt good, and part of my brain is going to be like, let’s keep going.

So wanting more after you start, it’s not evidence that you haven’t had enough. It’s also not evidence that something has gone wrong. It’s just evidence that your brain is doing what it’s really good at doing, which is wanting things it finds rewarding. And I think this is where applying this concept to drinking less gets really interesting. Because what would happen if before you had that first drink, before taking that first sip, you paused and you told yourself, okay, it’s very likely that I’m going to want more, that my brain isn’t going to be satisfied once this glass is empty. Now what?

You’re not falling into the trap of, if I scratch this itch, the itch is going to go away. Instead, you’re reminding yourself, I have a brain that likes rewards. So of course, my brain may want more of something that it finds rewarding. Now, what do I want to do? Suddenly, you’re no longer in that invisible bargain that so many people fall into. Now, this isn’t trying to trick yourself into not drinking in the first place or to never have things that your brain finds really rewarding. It’s simply to stop giving external things the job of getting rid of future wanting for you.

It’s acknowledging ahead of time that you may very well have to manage your mind around wanting more, and that’s the real bargain. The bargain is not, if I have some, then all future desires should vanish. The bargain is, listen, if I have some, I need to be willing to manage the desire for more and also be willing to say no to the desire for more and not make it mean that I haven’t had enough and also not make it mean that there’s something wrong with me.

This is so different from telling yourself that you can never have the drink or you can never have the things that your brain craves. You can never have things that your brain finds really rewarding because the goal here isn’t to make your desire to go away. The goal isn’t to make your desire shut up. The goal is acknowledging that wanting often continues. And if you’re hoping that by scratching the itch, that that wanting is going to go away, that you won’t have any future cravings or urges, that’s the real problem.

I think sometimes we get trapped between these two options that aren’t really options. Either I indulge in the desire so that my brain will stop thinking about it, so it will quiet down, which often doesn’t work, or I avoid the thing I desire entirely, so I never have to worry about wanting more, which also often doesn’t work for people.

But there is another choice. There is another option here. You can have something you want without telling yourself that by having it, it should make your wanting and any future wanting go away. You also don’t have to feel beholden to it, like you have to say yes if your brain wants more or be annoyed that your brain is chattering about having more or telling you that it’s not enough. You can see that as, yeah, that’s pretty normal. That’s what happens when my brain encounters things that are very rewarding.

You can essentially have one drink without telling yourself that the job of that drink is to make future desire cease. You can eat some chips without requiring yourself to reach this kind of magical point of total satisfaction where you don’t desire another handful. And you can scratch the itch knowing that, yeah, sometimes it often makes you itchier and then not being afraid of that, not being afraid that you have to scratch it again if another itch appears.

Because I think the real skill that we all need to practice is to stop making these invisible bargains with ourselves, to stop telling ourselves, oh, okay, I’m just going to have a little bit so that the craving will go away and then being frustrated when we find ourselves craving more. And instead, practicing getting really good at allowing the itch for more without answering it, allowing ourselves to want more without assuming that we haven’t had enough or that we need to have more or that the desire for more means there’s something wrong with us.

But also, without deciding that the possibility of wanting more means that we can’t trust ourselves to have any in the first place. So maybe you decide, you know what? I don’t really want to scratch that itch tonight. Maybe you decide that dealing with the desire for another drink, it’s just not worth it to you. You don’t want to manage your mind around it. That’s a perfectly valid choice.

Maybe you decide, you know what? I think it is worth it. I know that I may want more and I’m willing to do this. I’m willing to manage my mind around that. Because ultimately, we never get to fully opt out of managing our mind, right? That’s always something that we have to do. But neither decision is happening from a place of, I need this desire to go away.

It’s a very different question from, can I trust myself to scratch the itch because it’s not asking, can I have one drink and guarantee I won’t want another? It’s instead knowing, I might want more, what do I want to do then?

All right, that’s it for today. I will see you next week.

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Hey guys, you already know that drinking less has plenty of health benefits. But did you know that the work you do to change your relationship with alcohol will help you become more of the person you want to be in every part of your life?

Learning how to manage your brain and your cravings is an investment in your physical, emotional and personal wellbeing. And that’s exactly what’s waiting for you when you join my membership Take a Break.

Whether you want to drink less, drink rarely, or not at all, we’ll help you figure out a relationship with alcohol that works for you. We’ll show you why rules, drink plans, and Dry January so often fail, and give you the tools you need to feel in control and trust yourself.

So, head on over to RachelHart.com and sign up today, because changing the habit is so much easier when you stop trying to go it alone.