How often do you inconvenience yourself without ever giving someone the chance to turn down your request? This is bigger than not getting what you want. It’s about not even bothering to ask for what you want. And it shows up all the time with a reward archetype. This is episode 412 and I’m going to explain how the habit of not asking for what you want can lead to drinking more than you like.

Whether you want to drink less or stop drinking, this podcast will help you change the habit from the inside out. We’re challenging conventional wisdom about why people drink and why it can be hard to resist temptation. No labels, no judgment, just practical tools to take control of your desire and stop worrying about your drinking. Now, here’s your host, Rachel Hart. 

So the other day I was getting ready for a Zoom call and our doorbell rang. There had been a leak in our bathroom and the bathroom happens to be right outside my office and the plumbers had arrived. I took them upstairs, I showed them what was going on and one of the guys, Joey, he was so lovely, he was like, “Listen, no problem, we can get started fixing this right away.”

And normally this is exactly what you wanna hear in a situation where you have something like a leak, but I was about to lead a monthly coaching call that I do for The Ultimate Guide to Drinking Less. And my office happens to be right next to where they would be fixing the leak.

Now, if you don’t already know this, when you buy a copy of The Ultimate Guide, you’re able to hop on a live group call with me once a month where I can answer all of your questions. If you can’t be there live, you can send in questions ahead of time and I answer them so you can listen to my answer on the replay.

But this is one of my favorite calls every month. I love it because everybody has a copy of the guide. And so when people are asking questions, I can very quickly give the exact tool or the exact set of tools that you need to focus on because, you know, there are 75 different tools and exercises in the book because I developed specific ones for each of the eight archetypes.

So this is my favorite call. It was about to start. And you know, I have taught Zoom classes now for what, I mean 10 years maybe? And I have taught Zoom classes in much worse conditions. I probably could have very easily handled a little banging outside my door. It would have been totally fine.

But here’s the thing, as soon as this guy Joey said that he could start fixing the leak for me right away, my stomach kind of sank because part of me didn’t want to be distracted.

Even if I was only 2% distracted, when I’m on a coaching call, I want to give you guys my full attention. And when he told me he could start right away, I didn’t think twice. I just blurted out, great. I was like, okay, wonderful. And then as we were walking downstairs, because he had to get some tools from his truck, I felt this little ping of, oh God, I wish they could come back in an hour.

And in that moment, I had a realization, you know, Joey was free to say no to my request to start later, but I hadn’t even given him the chance to say no to me. I was so quick to inconvenience myself without ever asking for what I wanted. I wasn’t even putting my request out there for him to say, you know, actually we got a bunch of other jobs and delaying our start time doesn’t work.

It’s so crazy when you’re able to step back and look at this pattern of behavior, yet, you know, if I’m being honest, guys, I do this a lot. My knee-jerk reaction is often to inconvenience myself without even stating my preference or without even giving someone the chance to turn down my request or say no.

And so that’s the reason why I wanted to share this story because I think it’s such a perfect example of these small, but we assume are inconsequential moments throughout our day that really can influence our cravings later on. And this is particularly true if you have the reward archetype.

So if you don’t know your primary or secondary drink archetypes, you can go take the quiz at drinktype.com. It’s totally free, but I will tell you, the reward is a very, very common archetype that comes up for people. It’s all about your brain really seeing the drink as a treat for working hard or getting so much done or crossing so many things off your to-do list, but it can also be a treat for feeling like you always put your needs last, or in this case, being really quick to inconvenience yourself first.

When you have a habit of putting your needs last, I promise you, it is going to show up sideways in your life. Maybe it will show up in the unnecessary things that you put in your Amazon cart. Maybe it will show up in late night snacking. 

Maybe it will show up in feeling like you’re kind of quick to lose your temper or short with people at the end of the day, or maybe it will show up in your drinking. It will show up in pouring a drink as a treat and then feeling like you deserve to keep refilling your glass because after all, you’ve put everybody’s needs ahead of your own all day long.

People, when they have the reward archetype, they don’t realize how they’re doing this day after day after day and how the decisions that they’re making at 8, 9, 11 a.m. in the morning that have nothing, nothing to do with drinking, actually influence their cravings quite a bit. And all of this really is to say that if you are the reward archetype and putting your needs last is a factor that is contributing to your drinking, then unfortunately, if you want to cut back, if you want to stop, that’s not gonna happen with willpower and discipline alone.

That might work for a little bit of time, but you probably already know that eventually you give in. And the reason why that happens, the reason why in this case, willpower and discipline so often fail, is not because there’s something wrong with you. It’s not because you don’t have enough of it. It’s because removing the treat does nothing. It does nothing to address the underlying issue that is contributing to why your cravings feel so strong at the end of the day and why you’re telling yourself that you deserve to keep refilling your glass.

I will say, I’ve been doing this work now with the archetypes since 2023. That’s when I really officially launched the eight archetypes. And I will tell you what I have seen is that about 75% of the time, if you have the reward archetype, you’re gonna have to do the work of stopping putting your needs last, to practice, not always being willing to inconvenience yourself. And that seems, again, like it is so different. It’s like a totally different thing from your drinking, but truly it is not when you have the reward archetype.

So it starts with just noticing, just noticing all the ways that you are quick to inconvenience yourself without even making your preference known, without even giving people a chance to turn down your request like I was about to do with Joey. I wasn’t even giving him a chance to say no to me.

So the thing that I want you to do and the thing that I did in this situation is you have to practice something that will feel uncomfortable at first. So I said, “You know, guys, actually, I’m about to lead a call and my office is right next to the bathroom. Is there any way you could push your start time by one hour?”

And I will tell you, a request like this may seem very trivial, but if you have a long standing habit of not asking people for what you want, trust me, it will not feel trivial in that moment. In that moment when you are making that request, because it just feels a lot easier to say nothing and just deal with the inconvenience, it will feel uncomfortable at first. You are exercising a muscle, the muscle of making your needs known and treating your needs like they are important because they are, you are exercising a muscle that has probably atrophied.

And I will tell you, it truly in that moment felt so much easier for me to say nothing and just like, okay, I’ll deal with a little noise on a Zoom call. I’ve dealt with that before. It’s not a big deal. But there was also part of me, there was part of me that was like, but I don’t want to, I want to be able to give this call my full attention. I want to be able to give the people who showed up and the people who sent in questions, I want them to have all of Rachel for that hour. Not even, you know, 98% of Rachel. I want them to have all of me for that hour.

So I made the request and it turns out they were totally happy to take their lunch break early. They completely accommodated me, but here’s the thing. Even if they couldn’t have accommodated my request, at least I would have practiced treating my needs like they mattered. At least I would have practiced voicing my preferences when inside part of me just wanted to stay silent.

So that is your task. If you, like me, often find it easier to stay silent instead of making a request or stay silent instead of asking for what you need, then I want you to practice doing the opposite. I want you to practice giving someone the chance to say no before inconveniencing yourself. Your goal of drinking less will thank you so much for doing this work.

And if you want to take part in these monthly calls, they are open to everyone who purchases The Ultimate Guide to Drinking Less. Get your copy at rachelhart.com. It’s $37. The guide is 200 pages that are chock full, not only of so many exercises, but really deep explanations of how each of the archetypes work.

It is the exact thing that will help you come up and have your unique blueprint for how to change your relationship with alcohol, because the truth is, that’s what’s missing. We all need a unique blueprint because not everybody’s relationship with alcohol looks the same, even if on the surface it appears like two people are drinking the same amount, I trust you. There are often very different archetypes at work underneath the surface. So check that out at rachelhart.com. 

Practice this. Practice not staying silent. Give someone the chance and the opportunity to say no. Even if they do say no, you will have reinforced with yourself that your needs are important and that they matter and they deserve to be articulated. And I promise you, the more that you practice that, the more that you will find your cravings at the end of the day will start to change and not feel as strong.

All right. See you next week.

Hey guys, you already know that drinking less has plenty of health benefits. But did you know that the work you do to change your relationship with alcohol will help you become more of the person you want to be in every part of your life? 

Learning how to manage your brain and your cravings is an investment in your physical, emotional and personal wellbeing. And that’s exactly what’s waiting for you when you join my membership Take a Break. 

Whether you want to drink less, drink rarely, or not at all, we’ll help you figure out a relationship with alcohol that works for you. We’ll show you why rules, drink plans, and Dry January so often fail, and give you the tools you need to feel in control and trust yourself. 

So, head on over to RachelHart.com and sign up today, because changing the habit is so much easier when you stop trying to go it alone.