What happens when you make good decisions around alcohol? So for example, you don’t drink in a situation where you normally would, or you have a couple drinks and then you stop when in the past you would have gone overboard. Do you tell yourself that your success was a fluke? Or maybe you’re quick to give credit to other people or everything that was happening around you. This is episode 424 and I’m breaking down why not taking credit for your wins actually gets in the way of your goal of drinking less.

Whether you want to drink less or stop drinking, this podcast will help you change the habit from the inside out. We’re challenging conventional wisdom about why people drink and why it can be hard to resist temptation. No labels, no judgment, just practical tools to take control of your desire and stop worrying about your drinking. Now, here’s your host, Rachel Hart.

Rachel: Alright everybody, welcome back. I am here again today with Adriana Cloud. She coaches with me inside the membership and we were just having a conversation before we got started about what we wanted to talk about. And Adriana brought up a great thing that she has been noticing inside the membership is people not taking credit for their successes. Maybe that means that you’re drinking less during the week, you’re having less in a sitting.

You’re experiencing events or going to, you know, vacation or restaurants, places where you would normally just automatically drink because that’s just what you do. And you’re not doing that. And yet, despite the success, despite the wins, we often notice how people will at first feel very insecure. They will feel kind of like, okay, like that one worked or yeah, okay, I was good this time, but when is the shoe going to drop?

And so that’s what we decided we wanted to share with all of you today because I think that it is, it’s a part of habit change that is not talked about enough and it really can be a huge stumbling block when it comes to turning your wins, turning your successes into long term sustainable change.

Adriana: Yeah, yeah. So, I think what we’re seeing inside the membership, and I think what just humans in general tend to do is we’re very quick to make something our fault. Like, oh, I didn’t do this right. Like, oh, I still messed up. I made a mistake. I failed. But when something actually goes well and we do stay true to our commitment or achieve the goal, we somehow diminish our own role in that. And we decide, oh, but that’s just, oh, I just got lucky or yeah, it was just somehow easier for me to say no to the drink on this particular occasion, but I don’t really know why it was easier.

So, when we say things like that, we don’t acknowledge that we played a role in making it easy. Like there was something that happened internally in our thoughts that allowed us to say no. And it also means we prevent ourselves from learning from that, so we can’t replicate it. So, I think it’s actually really important to look at when things do go well, when it is easy to say no, well, what happened there? What allowed me to say no? And to really see how you created it yourself rather than, well, how did the circumstances just happen to be conducive.

Rachel: Right, the stars aligned. Yes, everything aligned. And that’s why, you know, that’s why I was successful. Or just feeling like it was a fluke. Right? That, I mean, that was something that in my own journey, feeling like any success that I was having around changing my own drinking and my relationship with alcohol, it was just a fluke, right? And if it’s a fluke, I don’t really know how it happened. And if I don’t know how it happened, then how on earth am I going to replicate it? Which is why so often we then look to the stars like, well, I don’t know, I hope that Mercury’s not in retrograde and I’m able to, I don’t think I actually know nothing about this, but I don’t think Mercury and retrograde affects our drinking.

But this is a really important piece and it’s why when I’m working with people, when we’re working with people, it’s very important to see that the think-feel-act cycle, the foundational framework with which we use to understand why did we say yes to the drink? Why did we say yes to another, right? To really break it down and start to get out of that mindset of it just happened or well once I start, I just can’t stop.

It’s so powerful to use the think-feel-act cycle to understand the habit. But so often, I find that people end up using this framework only when they do something bad, quote unquote bad, or only when they don’t keep their commitment. Not realizing, this is actually an incredibly important and powerful framework to understand my successes and my wins and the moments that I want to replicate it.

You see that it’s kind of the same thought pattern at play. It’s kind of like, well, I don’t know why I drank that much. It just happened. You will take that same thought pattern and then apply it to, like, I don’t know why I was able to moderate. I don’t know why I was able to say no. I don’t know why. 

We were just talking about someone that I had coached in the membership who had come back from a vacation, an extended vacation in another country and they were so proud of themselves because their drinking on that vacation was just so wildly different than what it had been for them in the past. But this person came to the call also feeling very insecure. Feeling like, yeah, well, and it actually was, this person was giving credit to the other person that she was traveling with. She was kind of like, oh, he’s the reason, right? That I was able to do it.

And so, what I said to her and what I want all of you guys listening to understand is that the moments that are wins, but that you think are a fluke, or you think like, yeah, I did it, but I don’t know, like, I don’t know that I can do that again. You’re applying that exact same mindset of I don’t know why that happened. And we have to use the think-feel-act cycle there as well because it’s incredibly, incredibly empowering when you see, oh, that was me. Right? Like I created that because I may have had a thought that I wasn’t even fully consciously aware of. Right? And I may have been experiencing a feeling that I wasn’t fully consciously aware of, but that all led to actions that I want to create more of.

Adriana: Yeah, and what happens is, I think people just don’t even acknowledge that there was a thought and a feeling. They look to what was happening around them. They look to the circumstance. Like, okay, so

Rachel: Who can I give credit to?

Adriana: Yeah, yeah. Maybe it was the situation. Oh, it just happened to be that people around me were not drinking and therefore it was easier for me not to drink. So, it’s I’m giving credit to them because the other people didn’t order cocktails. It was easier for me not to order a cocktail versus acknowledging that there was a thought somewhere that’s saying, okay, well, maybe I don’t need a drink. Perhaps was a thought or just some other thoughts, something that allowed you then to decide not to order a drink.

It didn’t come from what were other people drinking. That’s in their glass. But to acknowledge that you still made a choice and it wasn’t just that the circumstance was like that. It was because you had a thought that led to a feeling that allowed you to choose not to drink. Or, you know, who were you with? Did they offer you a drink? What else was happening? So just to be able to see that it’s not just where you are, who you’re with, what time of day, but what is going on in your mind that allows you to choose to drink or to choose not to drink.

Rachel: Yeah, I love that example too because that’s a perfect example of where you may make the decision not to drink. So you’re out with people and then it’s like, oh, other people aren’t having, you know, wine or beer or cocktail or whatever like, and then you make the decision not to as well. It’s a perfect example of the Connector archetype showing up for you even though you’re like, well, alcohol wasn’t involved. But, you know, when we talk about the Connector archetype, so much of that archetype is about kind of finding ways to signal to your brain that you belong. So, it really doesn’t even matter in that instance that no alcohol was ordered. Or I mean, I see this happen a lot where someone will say, well, the only reason that I didn’t have a third drink or a fourth drink was because the person that I was with didn’t want one.

And again, it’s just like such a fascinating thing when we start to unpack that with people because so often, I will be talking to someone who’s saying like, well, that, you know, yeah, I didn’t order that drink but because the people that I was with, they didn’t want to have another drink. They will often share the thought, once I start, I can’t stop.

And then it’s like, we have to kind of reconcile, okay, well, what is going on here? If on the one hand, you’re telling yourself, once I start, I can’t stop, then it shouldn’t matter what the rest of the table is doing. And again, I know that there are people out there who are listening to this, who immediately want to disqualify themselves. They immediately want to be and by the way, I would have done this too. I’ve been like, well, there have been times where the rest of the table didn’t want to drink and then I ordered the drink anyways. Or I said no while we were out, but then I got home and I had a drink.

Just notice for everyone listening right now, just notice if what your brain is trying to do right now is disqualify you from this applying, to figure out how you might be the exception and you’re actually worse and you’re doing it wrong. That’s just a really important habit to develop to spot all the ways. And by the way, this happens for me too. Spot all the ways that that your brain wants to offer up the thought, I’m somehow different. I’m somehow worse. I’m the exception. 

And so, but again, to look at the moments where you have a win and where you have success, where you’re making a choice that you want to, you want to repeat, right? You want to make more of these choices in the future. You’re not going to be able to create a repeatable success if you don’t understand why it happened.

And if you’re always giving credit to who you’re with, what you’re doing, if you’re always giving credit to everything around you, the same way that we often, in the flip example, want to give blame and find fault to what’s happening around us. If we’re always looking to our circumstances, what we end up doing is we neglect actually going to the place where it is the most powerful place to bring your attention and your awareness and say, what was I thinking? Yes, all the circumstances are happening all the time, but what was unfolding inside of me in that moment?

Adriana: Yeah, how did I create this? Is such a powerful question to ask yourself in in either scenario, right? If you end up drinking when you weren’t intending to or you ended up having more drinks than you were planning to have, to then ask yourself, how did I create this result? What led to me continuing to drink?

Rachel: I think that that for a lot of people is a very scary question at first and scary kind of whichever way we come from it. So, if it’s, I am waking up in the morning and I had way too much to drink. How did I create that result? I think that can be a scary question to at first start engaging with. And but kind of the same thing when you’re like, oh, yesterday went really well. Right? I like want to do more of this. It can be equally scary but in a different way to ask yourself that question, how did I create that result? 

Because we’re so unused to taking responsibility without somehow also making us the villain or making us, you know, the source of what is bad and what is wrong. And I think, I think even when we’re talking about claiming credit for positive results, positive actions, it still feels scary because we’re holding on to, yeah, but if I mess up in the future, right? Then it’s on me. Like so I don’t even know, I’m not sure that I actually want to claim credit for this great thing because what about when I do the terrible thing, right? Then it’s going to be on me too. So I’d rather just be in this place of like, we’re not just claiming, let’s not claim any credit here.

So I just want to acknowledge for people that, you know, that is a, that’s a question that the two of us ask ourselves all the time, but it’s a question that we’ve had to do a lot of work with and a lot of practice around and notice how much stepping into a place of responsibility can feel unsafe and threatening because of what we have, I think been conditioned to believe around, okay, well, if you do something bad, then you’re bad, right? If you if you’re not, you know, quote unquote learning from your mistakes or you’re doing something quote unquote stupid, then you’re stupid. So I just want to interrupt to acknowledge that that can be a big kind of unsteady or just asking yourself a question that just brings up a lot of emotion for you.

Adriana: Yeah, yeah. And I’m really glad you said that because I do want to acknowledge that I was definitely that person who did not think I had any role to play one way or another. When I was drinking, it definitely felt like it was just happening to me. I didn’t really know how I was drinking so much because it didn’t seem like I was making a conscious choice. In fact, consciously, I wanted to drink less and not start drinking at all or to be able to stop at one. And yet somehow I could not do that. And so it did feel like I was not in control.

It did not feel like I could just choose to drink less because obviously I would have if I could. So, thank you. I’m glad you pointed that out. Yeah, it has taken a lot of work to recognize that there was a choice. It did come from me, even if it happened so quickly or it happened in such a way that I didn’t recognize at the time it was a choice. And it’s only when we can look with curiosity and self-compassion at what happened that we could stand a chance to find that thought that led to ordering the first drink, ordering the second drink. And to really see what was the alcohol doing for me in that moment? Why did I keep going back for it? And that’s what I mean, you know, that’s the thought that created the result of the first drink and the second drink and however many drinks there ended up being by the end. 

And yeah, it’s maybe not a question for the faint of heart, but it is an important question when we want to create sustainable change because we have to see our own agency. Otherwise, if we think that we’re always a victim of the circumstance, then we have no hope of believing that we can change because then we would always be at the mercy of who is around us, what time of day it is, what establishment we’re in and what they’re pouring. So, we have to learn to see our own agency in every decision because that’s how then we empower ourselves to make different choices.

Rachel: Yeah, and it’s, you know, so much of what my work has really come to focus on, which was of course the exact, the exact work that I had to learn for myself is how do I see my agency, acknowledge my agency? How do I hold myself accountable without losing sight of my self-respect and my self-concern and my self-compassion and without losing sight of my struggle on the surface might not look like everybody’s struggle, right? 

Certainly, everyone doesn’t struggle with alcohol, but everybody struggles with something. How can I hold myself and how can all of us collectively learn to hold ourselves accountable from a place of seeing ourselves as whole and unbroken and worthy and just like everybody else? Seeing that we have so much in common when we engage in behaviors that we don’t like.

You know, I think even what you were saying, Adriana, it’s like we’re making the choice sometimes and then it then we struggle with the fact like, but why would I make that choice? Why would I say yes to more when there’s a part of me that like deeply, deeply, deeply doesn’t want to do this, doesn’t want to drink this much, doesn’t want to have this messed up relationship with alcohol, doesn’t want to feel horrible the next day.

And I think that struggle, that struggle of just first of all, not understanding how the brain works. Like that honestly was such, that was the first and most mind-blowing thing for me to just understand at a very, very, very basic level. There is a lower brain and a higher brain and they are not always in agreement.

That honestly helped me so much because I really felt like, well, something must be truly broken inside of me that I could say that I have all this desire to be different and not drink this much and not get so drunk and not do these stupid things when I’m drinking and I truly deeply want this, but then look at my actions.

Adriana: Yeah.

Rachel: Like, look how they’re totally different. Well, I mean, what is the explanation other than something is really messed up with Rachel? And so all of this really just goes back to, no one teaches us how to hold ourselves accountable from a place of worthiness and love and concern and compassion.

Unfortunately, we get the message that holding ourselves accountable means punishment. It means admitting all of the ways in which we are bad and broken and accountability, I think can be very scary because we’re not given a lot of models of, yeah, it’s like, it’s okay. You can still love yourself and hold yourself accountable. You can still feel totally unbroken and worthy and a good person and hold yourself accountable. Right? We’re so often in this place of like, no, we must admit all of the inherent problems and sins and wrongs and like the base nature of who we are. And then we have to build ourselves up into, into being the good person, opposed to like, what if we’re just good right now?

Adriana: Yeah. And an unfortunate side effect of all of that is that because we are so focused on where we are broken and like what’s still wrong and how we have not achieved perfection, we tend to dismiss what is going well. And this is what we see so often is people will have successes, but I still had a craving. So even though I didn’t drink last night, I still had a craving today. So therefore, I’m still broken and I’m still doing this work wrong. And not acknowledging, okay, but let’s celebrate that you managed to not drink yesterday, that you did have a thought that led you to a feeling that allowed you to take the action of not drinking.

Like, let’s look at what happened there. Let’s look at how you were able to do that and really learn from it so you could do it again. And to see that it is you doing it. It’s not just the circumstances that like the stars aligned and you were somehow able to do it. But to see that you are learning every time you show up to think about, okay, what happened here? What did this craving sound like? Every time you are getting better at understanding your own thoughts and that is the key to keep creating sustainable change.

Rachel: Yeah, I say this all the time on the podcast and I say it all the time when I’m working with people, but the goal here is not to, you know, delete every craving ever. The goal here is not to make it so, you know, you never have desire again. And I think often we are told that that is the place. Like that is the promised land where we’re going to get to, where we we’re like, oh, how could I’ve even wanted it? Like how could any part of me have ever desired it?

I still have cravings to drink sometimes. Now, if I approach it as, well, that’s see, I’m not like I thought I was better, but I’m not really better and this is a problem. If I approach these cravings as a problem or approach cravings to have more as a problem, I’m always going to be at odds with myself. Rather than saying, oh, the craving isn’t the problem. Like that’s not the thing that I’m working on. What I’m working on is the moment after the craving happens. There’s no way.

There’s just, you know, I was talking about this recently somewhere where I was saying that I smoked for, I don’t know, 12 years or something. And cigarettes are something now that I really very, very infrequently crave, but it will still happen on occasion. And it’s very interesting too because I often now regard cigarettes and cigarette smoke in a much more negative way than for example, how I regard alcohol and drinking. I really have like a much more neutral stance on alcohol, but with it’s interesting with cigarettes, like even the smell of it will bother me sometimes.

But it’s like, okay, so the craving came up to immediately go to the point of like, oh, I’m never going to be free. I’m never going to be free of this awful desire inside of me. Or to go to the point of like, oh, fascinating. Something must have happened there. Right? Long ago, my brain made some sort of association, whether it is between a strong emotion or a place or like, and that little connection just got fired up in my brain. And to understand like not only there’s no way I have control over that, but that’s not the place where I need control, right? I need the place where I want to have agency and accountability and control is, okay, so then what happens next?

Yeah. You know, I was talking about this with my 6 year old because one of the messages that, I don’t know if this is school or like a book that they’re reading in school, but they’re doing a lot about emotions and he said, I know I have to control my emotions better. And I was like, no, no, no. No. It’s like an impossible task to be like, well, what you have to do is just not feel the anger. You know, he was talking about feeling very grumpy at his father. And it was like just not feeling grumpy.

And it’s like, no, of course you feel grumpy at dad. That’s not a problem. Right? What I want to talk to you is about learning how to intervene, what happens next. Do I just act based on the emotion or am I learning how to pause and intervene and take a breath and understand what’s going on. And I think that that is what gets lost a lot in the conversations that we have, right? We unfortunately take away this idea that, oh, I need to be in control.

Managing your mind is not being in control of your brain. It is not being in control of your emotions. Managing is, oh, I actually can consciously choose what’s happening next rather than feeling like I’m at the mercy of these things and I’m just, you know, it’s just autopilot. And whatever happens, happens, right? But what am I going to do about it?

So I just, the nuance here is really, really important, but I think it really brings us back to this piece of the ability to take more agency, the ability to celebrate your wins happens when we look at our successes, we look at the moments where we didn’t order another drink, where we said no, where we did something that our brain previously told us would be impossible without alcohol. And to look at those moments and really bring the think-feel-act cycle there. Really take the time to understand what happened, right? How did I create this? Because the more that you can bring that practice to the moments that you want to have more of and the moments that you want to have less of, the more that you are able to step into your agency.

I think I’ll just wrap it up there. Is there anything else that you want to add?

Adriana: There is. There is a saying that I really like, which is, you’re not responsible for your first thought, but you’re responsible for your second thought. And I love that because thoughts come up, cravings come up. That’s not a problem. You’re not responsible for what pops into your head, but you are responsible for how you then react to that.

So, I just love that that framing of it so that we can hopefully drop some judgment of whatever. It’s like a little alarm going off in the brain like, okay, the alarm went off. Okay, now you get to decide what to do about it. Do you go and smash it with a hammer? Do you go smash yourself? Or do you just go like, oh, okay, there’s a little noise. Let me see if I can turn it off or maybe, you know, go for a walk or whatever it is that I can do to respond in a more positive way. So, it’s just really this practice of not making ourselves wrong for when a craving comes up or when a thought comes up or when a feeling comes up, but really just learning how to respond to that differently.

Rachel: Yeah. And the more that you do that, the more agency and accountability and willingness you will be able to step into those moments of success to then understand how can I repeat them as opposed to like it was a fluke, it was because of someone else, or the stars just happened to align.

Adriana: Yeah, absolutely. Yes.

Rachel: All right. Thanks so much for joining us.

Adriana: My pleasure. Thank you.

Hey guys, you already know that drinking less has plenty of health benefits. But did you know that the work you do to change your relationship with alcohol will help you become more of the person you want to be in every part of your life? 

Learning how to manage your brain and your cravings is an investment in your physical, emotional and personal wellbeing. And that’s exactly what’s waiting for you when you join my membership Take a Break. 

Whether you want to drink less, drink rarely, or not at all, we’ll help you figure out a relationship with alcohol that works for you. We’ll show you why rules, drink plans, and Dry January so often fail, and give you the tools you need to feel in control and trust yourself. 

So, head on over to RachelHart.com and sign up today, because changing the habit is so much easier when you stop trying to go it alone.