The brain associates alcohol with creating, strengthening, or maintaining emotional bonds.

Drinking is a shared activity with friends, family, and romantic partners. It may make group dynamics easier or more enjoyable.

This archetype commonly appears when drinking feels intertwined with your social activities.

The Connector tends to show up when:

• • Meeting up for drinks is an activity in and of itself.
  • Alcohol is part of the ritual for date night or spending time with certain friends.
  • Coming from—or marrying into—a family where get-togethers revolve around drinking.
  • Alcohol plays a central role in certain group activities or social engagements.
  • You’re a “regular” at a restaurant or a bar.

When The Connector is activated, saying no interferes with your desire to feel close to others, making it hard to abstain or moderate.

“I just wish saying no didn’t feel like such a big deal.”

The fear of being the buzzkill blocks your ability to find connection. Rather than bringing you closer, alcohol becomes a wedge.

“The Connector teaches the brain that the bond you have with others is threatened by not drinking. ”

Humans have long used alcohol’s ability to facilitate bonding by lowering people’s defenses.

But when alcohol becomes your go-to way to open up, it can block your ability to connect with others.

Here’s an example of the thoughts, feelings, and actions associated with The Connector.

Together, they create a learned behavior and influence your relationship with alcohol.

Circumstance: You’re guarded or not totally relaxed around others.

Thought: A drink will make it easier to connect.

Feeling: Desire

Action: You reach for a drink, hoping to help facilitate connection. Notice what you’re not doing:

• You’re not normalizing that it takes time to relax around others. Even with people you know and love, it’s perfectly normal for it to take time to ease into their company or drop your guard.
• You’re not practicing opening up. Even with people you know and love, being yourself requires vulnerability. Sharing how you feel and what’s on your mind means accepting that others—including yourself—may judge you for it.
• You’re not being curious. Connection requires you to be curious about others. If your guard is up, you’re much more likely to be in your head, focused on yourself. 

Result: Short-term: alcohol helps you open up around others. Long-term: you question your ability to connect without it and worry certain relationships will suffer if you change your drinking.

Here’s why:

• Alcohol lowers your inhibitions by slowing down activity in your cerebral cortex. With less access to self-critical thoughts or fears about what others think, you become less guarded and more open and talkative.   
• The more you use alcohol for this purpose, the less practice you have at lowering your defenses and opening up on your own. 
• Over time, you may start to believe—whether consciously or unconsciously—that alcohol is necessary to feel connected to certain people. The idea of not drinking or drinking less in these situations may make you anxious or worried.
• At the same time, the brain learns to associate certain people or social activities with a reward (alcohol). Over time, just thinking about certain social situations can trigger a craving to drink. 
• When the brain senses a threat to a reward, it’s motivated to come up with reasons why alcohol is necessary in this situation. In other words, the brain is incentivized to worry about your ability to connect. Doing so makes you more likely to drink. 
• If you decide to abstain or moderate, you’re likely to start the interaction feeling self-critical, defensive, and scanning for negative judgment. All of which gets in the way of what you seek—connection. 
• This creates the perfect environment to reinforce the archetype. Either you abstain and feel disconnected, or you drink to drop your guard. The brain uses both outcomes as “proof” that alcohol makes it easier to connect. 
• Meanwhile, you aren’t practicing the skills needed to relax or lower your guard without alcohol. Nor are you considering that your connection with others transcends alcohol. 
• As a result, you keep believing the thought, “A drink will make it easier to connect,” which reinforces The Connector archetype. In reality, alcohol makes it harder to lower your guard or open up and leads you to question the strength of certain relationships.

The Connector often uses people pleasing to sabotage rules, drink plans, and Dry Januarys.

Keep in mind, not all obstacles will apply to everyone with this archetype:

• • You’re not sure what to suggest as an activity if you’re not meeting up for drinks.
  • Someone says, “There’s no point opening a bottle if you’re not having any.”
  • Spending time with certain people feels awkward if you’re not drinking.
  • You don’t want people to feel uncomfortable because you’re not joining in.
  • You find it easier to accept the drink rather than answer people’s questions.
  • It’s hard to come up with the “right” answer for why you’re not drinking tonight.
  • You find certain people less fun to be around if you’re not drinking.
  • Sometimes it’s easier to just disguise that you’re drinking something non-alcoholic.
  • You’re worried you’ll have to find new friends if you stop drinking.
  • You float the idea of not drinking and hear, “But you don’t have a problem.”
  • Because non-alcoholic drinks are cheaper, you’re worried the waiter or bartender will be annoyed with your order.

The Connector’s deeper desire is belonging.

The deeper desire is what the drink represents.

Belonging is the sense that you are welcome and accepted by others.

Here’s what belonging sounds like:

• I’m supposed to be here. 
• I’m part of this group regardless.
• I’m wanted and loved no matter what. 

When pouring a drink is your go-to way of creating a sense of belonging, you may struggle to feel accepted, even with the people you’re closest to.

You may say yes to a drink because you don’t want to rock the boat, disappoint others, or stand out from the crowd.

Soon, you’re more focused on other people’s preferences and overriding what’s best for you.

This is why, with The Connector, it’s essential to foster a sense of belonging alongside managing cravings.

“When I imagine feeling disconnected it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.”

Letting go of The Connector will strengthen your relationships.

Here are some of the superpowers waiting to be unlocked:

• • Feeling a deep sense of connection with the people you care about.
  • Feeling like you fit in and belong, regardless of your drink order.
  • Naturally scanning for similarities with others over differences.
  • Confidently choosing what’s best for you rather than what will make others happy.
  • Not giving a second thought if you choose differently from the group.
  • Knowing the relationships and opinions that matter and those that don’t.